Seminary
CAVEAT LECTOR (Reader Beware!)
It should be known that I wrote this at a point of deep despair and resentment against the institution I am getting ready to leave now. Things have gotten markedly better. I am not angry anymore like I was when I composed this. Now it's just funny.
1. Pretty much no one cares about you, and the ones that do have no power except to commiserate with you.
2. You are on your own. No one is going to help you. If you find help, they’ll have no money or power to change anything. The people with the money and power are about as interested in you as they are the plague. Correction, the plague has a bit of mystique and cache about it, being deadly and all. i.e. “I met the Plague once. He was cool. I liked his Ferrari.” You, on the other hand, are pond scum. Deal with it.
3. We are kind to each other only inasmuch as it assuages our consciences for not really giving a damn.
4. God may not like you after all. Thanks Calvin.
5. Christians are as dysfunctional, if not more so, than the folks ‘in the world.’
6. Life is hard. Really hard. It doesn’t get any better. (see point #4)
7. If you’re white and poor, you’re a non-entity. In more ways than one.
8. Common sense has no place here. At all. Ever. Esoteric hyper-spirituality or rote rationalism are your two choices. Hurry up and choose. You’re holding up the line.
9. Don’t be too fat, no one will want to date you.
10. Don’t be too skinny, no one will want to date you.
11. Don’t be different, no one will want to date you.
12. Don’t be like everyone else, you’ll be boring. And no one will want to date you.
13. Don’t be Arminian, no one will think you have a brain.
14. Don’t be Calvinist, no one will think you have a heart.
15. Be loud, self-aggrandizing and puerile is all your actions and mannerisms, and people will respect you for it.
16. Be kind or at all sophisticated in speech and manner and you’ll be thought strange. Or a flirt.
17. Never flirt with anyone or ask anyone out (You lecher, you’re supposed to be spiritual!)
18. Always flirt and ask people out (What, are you too good for me?)
19. If you are not perfect in every way, become androgynous and accept your fate.
20. Don’t break taboos. Ever.
21. You will be gossiped about. A lot if you have even a whiff of individuality about you.
22. Be happy. Or else…
23. If you can’t be happy, at least be drunk.
24. There is always one good cop who likes to talk with you and share a smoke on the steps. Then there is always a bad cop. He will shoot you. Then ticket your dead body for littering.
25. Don’t be too smart, or prone to too many intelligent questions or conversations, no one will think you love Jesus.
26. Don’t love Jesus too obviously, people will think you never ask any good questions, or can hold up your end of a conversation.
27. Practice before you come.
30. Adopt the mindset of a farmed mushroom: Be content living in the dark and having shit thrown on you.
31. Always check your mail. Notices of loan default and forced “F” grades go there first.
32. Eat at the cafeteria a lot. You’ll need the protective layer of blubber to see you through the winter. Fatty.
It should be known that I wrote this at a point of deep despair and resentment against the institution I am getting ready to leave now. Things have gotten markedly better. I am not angry anymore like I was when I composed this. Now it's just funny.
What I’ve Learned at Seminary
By Troy A. Henley
By Troy A. Henley
1. Pretty much no one cares about you, and the ones that do have no power except to commiserate with you.
2. You are on your own. No one is going to help you. If you find help, they’ll have no money or power to change anything. The people with the money and power are about as interested in you as they are the plague. Correction, the plague has a bit of mystique and cache about it, being deadly and all. i.e. “I met the Plague once. He was cool. I liked his Ferrari.” You, on the other hand, are pond scum. Deal with it.
3. We are kind to each other only inasmuch as it assuages our consciences for not really giving a damn.
4. God may not like you after all. Thanks Calvin.
5. Christians are as dysfunctional, if not more so, than the folks ‘in the world.’
6. Life is hard. Really hard. It doesn’t get any better. (see point #4)
7. If you’re white and poor, you’re a non-entity. In more ways than one.
8. Common sense has no place here. At all. Ever. Esoteric hyper-spirituality or rote rationalism are your two choices. Hurry up and choose. You’re holding up the line.
9. Don’t be too fat, no one will want to date you.
10. Don’t be too skinny, no one will want to date you.
11. Don’t be different, no one will want to date you.
12. Don’t be like everyone else, you’ll be boring. And no one will want to date you.
13. Don’t be Arminian, no one will think you have a brain.
14. Don’t be Calvinist, no one will think you have a heart.
15. Be loud, self-aggrandizing and puerile is all your actions and mannerisms, and people will respect you for it.
16. Be kind or at all sophisticated in speech and manner and you’ll be thought strange. Or a flirt.
17. Never flirt with anyone or ask anyone out (You lecher, you’re supposed to be spiritual!)
18. Always flirt and ask people out (What, are you too good for me?)
19. If you are not perfect in every way, become androgynous and accept your fate.
20. Don’t break taboos. Ever.
21. You will be gossiped about. A lot if you have even a whiff of individuality about you.
22. Be happy. Or else…
23. If you can’t be happy, at least be drunk.
24. There is always one good cop who likes to talk with you and share a smoke on the steps. Then there is always a bad cop. He will shoot you. Then ticket your dead body for littering.
25. Don’t be too smart, or prone to too many intelligent questions or conversations, no one will think you love Jesus.
26. Don’t love Jesus too obviously, people will think you never ask any good questions, or can hold up your end of a conversation.
27. Practice before you come.
- a. Have someone you trust beat you with a hardwood dowel several times a week for the year leading up to your departure for Seminary. The dowel should be at least as big around as your thumb. Preferably bigger. Bible College can be good practice also.
- b. Prepare for fun and engaging roommate experiences. Sleep with a wet dog in the room and/or dry your soaked gym shoes on the heater. Stare at the wall for hours to get accustomed to the level of intellectual discourse you’ll soon be taking part in.
- c. Wear a hair shirt
- a. Find the surliest drunk you know. Now shackle your legs together. Keep him liquored up and listen to “Shipping out to Boston” by the Dropkick Murphys on repeat.
- b. Administer blunt force trauma to your skull until all your ‘r’ sounds become ‘ahh’ sounds. Redeploy aforementioned ‘r’ sounds as a suffix to words ending with vowels. i.e. “sofer” as opposed to “sofa” or "cah" rather than "car."
- c. Driving: Take your family sedan off road while having your friends do their best to hit you with their cars. Scream obscenities and practice unkind gestures for quick use in the cabin of the car.
- d. Start hating where you’re from right now. No place will ever be as cool as New England. And I’ll kick your lily ass if you tell me different. Wait...you don't like the Yankees do you?
30. Adopt the mindset of a farmed mushroom: Be content living in the dark and having shit thrown on you.
31. Always check your mail. Notices of loan default and forced “F” grades go there first.
32. Eat at the cafeteria a lot. You’ll need the protective layer of blubber to see you through the winter. Fatty.
posted by Troy at 6:28 PM
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