A Brief History of French Warfare-As Brought to You by The Portland Spectator March 2003
Gallic Wars- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates the First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious when not lead by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion- Frances goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
The Dutch War- Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces Gallo-philes the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution- Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napleonic Wars- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War- Lost.
WW I- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.
WW II- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina- Lost.
Algerian Rebellion- Lost. This marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
This was an email circulating in the military community in 2003
Hundred Years War- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates the First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious when not lead by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion- Frances goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
The Dutch War- Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces Gallo-philes the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution- Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napleonic Wars- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War- Lost.
WW I- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.
WW II- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina- Lost.
Algerian Rebellion- Lost. This marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
This was an email circulating in the military community in 2003
posted by Troy at 11:11 AM
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What's the best thing about a Falcons game?
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yo troy,
just wanted to let you know i came by to visit. cool spot. i'm going to have to read it all when i have time.
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