Saturday, September 03, 2005

A Brief History of French Warfare-As Brought to You by The Portland Spectator March 2003

Gallic Wars- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates the First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious when not lead by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion- Frances goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

The Dutch War- Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces Gallo-philes the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution- Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napleonic Wars- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War- Lost.

WW I- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.

WW II- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina- Lost.

Algerian Rebellion- Lost. This marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

This was an email circulating in the military community in 2003


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Anonymous andy said...

yo troy,

just wanted to let you know i came by to visit. cool spot. i'm going to have to read it all when i have time.

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